College: Is it the Right Choice?

In Massachusetts, Probate and Family Court Judges have the authority under the child support statute to order divorcing parents (or unwed parents of children involved in paternity cases) to pay for college education expenses for their children.

Unfortunately, this can lead to expensive litigation when one parent is unwilling to accept (or to tell their child) that certain colleges are too expensive for their family budget.

Even worse, it seems to have become a foregone conclusion that most (if not all) children should go to college. Check out these great thoughts from The Imperfect Parent Blog, too many people (especially in the Probate & Family Court) are afraid to say this:

Kids, Don't Go To College:

"Why are we pushing college on every kid when not every kid is cut out for it? There’s no shame in not going to college, in fact, going to college just may be a waste of time for most high school grads. And if you listen to some talking radio heads, it may just be a colossal waste of money too.

Currently around 65% of high school students are college-bound and some experts are calling for a re-examination of college level education and what it actually gets you these days. Furthermore, as more and more jobs are now being outsourced overseas, a college degree creates a certain dichotomy — while corporations expect and require degrees for jobs in which college degrees aren’t even necessary, like sales positions, conversely, skilled laborers or technicians only require more expedient training through trade schools. One clear benefit of these tradesmen skills is that most of them can’t be outsourced overseas.

For example, I’m an Account Manager for a hospital. Nothing in my 50k waste of a college education prepared me for what I’m doing. What it did do is get me a foot in the door for an administrative position some 17 years ago, where I worked my way up. The rest has been on the job the training. Never have I had to pull from my college textbooks, lectures, assignments or tests to understand how to manage coordinating people’s health benefits in my current position. One has to wonder, what is the point of a B.A. if all you need for is to weed out people that are perhaps more qualified but couldn’t afford to go to college?

Often times I regret not just going to a trade school or becoming a nurse, medical technician or even a paralegal. I could have completed many of those certifications in 2 years or less, instead I wasted 5 years (yes, I was on the 5 year program) of balancing missing classes to hang out in Grant park with my friends while still meeting the minimum requirements to get passing grades.

Welders, electricians, carpenters, plumbers — their all jobs that can’t be outsourced, yet my job can be. So who’s the real chump here?

As www.bluecollarandproud.com points out, these tradesmen are not your grandparent’s skilled labor workers. Many of these trade schools require some critical thinkers, like welders, who deal with complex mathematical equations to figure out trajectories and angles.

While not all kids are cut out for the trades just as all kids are not cut out for universities, the future of the tradesmen just might translate to job security and skills that seem to be lost on younger generations. When and if my children want to go to college, I will be there to support them emotionally and financially (as much as I’m able), but I won’t make them go. I hope they understand all their options, unlike my parents, who pretty much said, “Go to college or I’ll never speak to you again.” "

Family Court not fit for Fido

A recent article published in Massachusetts Lawyers Weekly discussed a case in Middlesex Probate & Family Court where an attorney in a divorce case asked the judge to order one spouse to pay "pet support" to the other spouse to care for the couples' two dogs. The judge immediately refused the request. The article noted that the judge had just heard a series of cases that involved foreclosed houses and parents losing their jobs.

This illustrates an issue that many divorcing couples face when going through the court process. Courts usually only have the time and resources to deal with the "big" issues -- alimony, child custody and support, and property division. That doesn't neatly fit for families that have a variety of other issues, such as pet support or visitation, property sharing, and care taking approaches unique to a child's specific and unique needs.

The best way to address these issues is to come to an agreement on the issue and include the resolution in a separation agreement which can then be presented to a judge. Many couples choose to do this by hiring their own attorneys to work out a negotiation with the other spouse's attorney. An increasing number of couples are also choosing to hire a mediator to meet with both spouses and discuss the questions and concerns that each individual has with the intention of facilitating an agreement.

Attorney Kelsey has been advocating on behalf of clients for years as a family law trial attorney, and is also a trained family law mediator in Massachusetts. Should you have any questions about individual representation or mediation, contact Attorney Justin L. Kelsey, or call 508.655.5980 to schedule a free one hour initial consultation.

The Massachusetts Lawyers Weekly article referenced in this post can be found with a subscription at www.masslawyersweekly.com.

Special thanks to Christopher Boylan of Walter A. Costello, Jr. & Associates for his assistance in this post.

Should I Sign My Divorce Agreement?

Many individuals come to our office having gone through mediation with their soon-to-be-ex-spouse, asking us to review the separation agreement that they have negotiated. Whether we ultimately advise a client to sign a proposed agreement or not depends on the contents of the document and the individual's particular set of circumstances,

1. Has the marriage been irretrievably broken down with NO CHANCE OF RECONCILIATION?
2. Does the Agreement completely resolve all issues relevant to the marriage in a fair and reasonable manner?
3. Is this an agreement that you can live with?

In the end, it is not our life but yours, and the divorce agreement will govern some important aspects of your life in the future, especially when there are children involved. Being able to "live with a divorce agreement" means not only being happy or satisfied with it, but also being able to perform any of the agreement's obligations. If the agreement is not something that you can live with, and/or live up to, you might find yourself back in court in the near future.

When we draft agreements to propose for settlement, and when we review proposed agreements brought to our office, we believe it is necessary to gauge both the fairness of the agreement and the likelihood of our client falling into contempt.  Ultimately, whether the agreement is fair and reasonable is up to you, but if we don't think you can afford the commitments you are making we will not give the proposal our endorsement.

While there are certainly legal implications to the various parts of a divorce agreement, if you are satisfied that you understand and can meet the commitments you are making, then you must still ask yourself if the agreement is something that you can live with. The goal of a divorce agreement should be transitioning to the next stage in your life, and avoiding a return trip to court.

Newtown Tragedy: Actions Speak Louder

These are the victims of the school shooting that occurred on the morning of Friday, December 14, 2012 at an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut.

We have purposefully not included a link to a news story in this post because the news is concentrating on the details of the gunman's life.  We believe that is a mistake.  Here is the information that we believe is important and undisputed:

• All of these victims deserved a longer life, and a better ending to their story.
  
• This tragedy was preventable, and future tragedies like this are preventable.
  
• Everyone of us has the ability to contribute in some way towards making our country a better place where violence like this is a history lesson instead of a headline.
  
• The only way that we can take away the power of one bad man to write the ending for these victims, is to change that ending by recognizing our ability to contribute, and taking action.

We have all had three days now to voice our pain and outrage.  As a country we must experience this grief and we must find a way to deal with it.  Whether we individually grieve publicly or privately, we must accept that everyone will grieve these victims in their own way.  If you have been on facebook or twitter this weekend, it is clear that many of us are experiencing anger or depression in reaction to these events.  And while anger is a natural part of the grieving process, the direction of anger is not always rationally linked to the cause, which is why the anger of this weekend must give way eventually to acceptance.

But what does acceptance mean?  Does it mean we should forget what happened?  Does it mean we are powerless to prevent future tragedies?

NO.

Acceptance means that we must accept that we cannot change the past.

 We cannot save the victims of Newtown.  
But we can remember them.  

We remember them by letting go our anger and depression, and by taking positive action for the future.  Whether small or large, every action has a reaction.  Here are just some of the ways that you can make a difference:

Remember the Heroes:

Numerous stories have emerged regarding teachers who protected their students on Friday morning, including at least one who gave her life doing so, Victoria Soto.  These teachers were not trained to deal with gunfire.  Their job description does not include saving lives by giving theirs.  But they became heroes anyway.  They stood up to violence and fear, and saved lives with their courage.  Remember that sacrifice.  Talk about it.

Make sure our children know that 
everyday people can be Heroes. 

Remember the Helpers:

Fred Rogers taught us that in any tragedy there is hope because you can always see the people who react and respond:  the Helpers.  Police officers, firefighters, nurses, doctors, paramedics, and more all put aside their personal fears and grief to help the victims and their families.  Remember the importance of those people that choose to do those jobs, and who handled themselves professionally in a time of crisis.  Nobody can change the past and these helpers couldn't save the victims, but they modeled for us the way in which we heal from tragedy.  By helping the victims and their families they reduced the trauma those people experienced as much as was possible in the given situation.  Remember the helpers, and strive to help where help is needed.

Be a Helper:

You can help the Newtown Victims by donating to a local non-profit.

Or you can help people in your community who are the victims of violence.  The Mass.gov website has a list of resources for violence prevention and specifically for domestic violence prevention.  These include both government resources that you can educate yourself about, and non-profit organizations that you can volunteer with or donate to.

Of course, these are just some of the ways that you can be a helper in Newton or your community to help protect others from violence.

Promote Gun Safety and Meaningful Debate:

Guns were a part of the Newtown tragedy and they must be a part of the discussion.  But it is impossible to already know the solution before you completely understand the problem.  Preventing future tragedies like Newtown requires more than signing a petition, or posting on social media that there are more gun deaths in the U.S. than in other countries.  Supporters and opponents of private firearms ownership need to engage in meaningful communication to discuss solutions that protect both lives and liberties.

Like too many debates in this country, many would rather be polarizing in their statements and beliefs than learn from each other.

In Collaborative Divorces, we take two people who have every reason to distrust each other and we force them to talk about how they can work together to resolve their disputes.  This requires effective communication about how each person feels and what their goals are.  It is often uncomfortable, sad, angry, or frustrating.  But the result is usually solutions that both people can rebuild their life from.

If divorcing spouses can having a meaningful conversation about solutions by using effective communication, then why can't people on opposite sides of the gun control debate?

Can we use 10 Tips for Better Collaborative Communication to have a meaningful discussion about gun control?

Calling someone a gun-nut violates #3.  Assuming that gun control means they want to take away all your guns and institute a police state violates #10.

Prevention requires that we all grow up and learn how to communicate effectively.  If you truly care that our country becomes a safer place, then take meaningful steps to make that happen:

Non gun owners need to recognize that they have something to learn from gun owners.  Read the 10 tips, print them out, and then ask a gun owner to have lunch with you and have a conversation that abides by those tips.  Ask them about their interest in firearms.  Ask them how they think we can practically prevent gun violence.   Ask them about the difference between a rifle, a shotgun and a handgun, and about the difference between a semi-automatic and an automatic weapon.  Ask them why there are different types of firearms and different types of ammunition.  Ask them about the proper way to store guns, and how to prevent unauthorized access.  Ask them about regulations or restrictions that they would support vs. those they wouldn't, and why.

Listen to the answers.

Owners of firearms need to recognize that civilized society requires proper safety precautions to be respected or implemented around the ownership and use of potentially hazardous items.  Read the 10 tips, print them out, and then ask a non gun owner to have lunch with you and have a conversation that abides by those tips. Ask them about why they don't have an interest in firearms.  Ask them what, if anything, scares them about firearms.  Ask them about what types of information would reduce their fears.  Ask them how they think guns are similar or dissimilar to other potentially dangerous items or tools.  Ask them about what types of regulations or restrictions could make them feel more safe.

Listen to the answers.

After having this conversation and actually listening to each other, try to agree on two things that either you individually or your government (whether municipal, state or federal) could do to help prevent future gun violence in any form.  Write down those two agreements and then take action to make them happen.  If your agreements involve something that the government can do, then contact the appropriate level of government and request that your representative take that action: Contact your Elected Officials

At the very least you can help yourself and your community by learning about the risk factors for gun violence, and gun safety at the following links:

Studies and articles regarding Gun Violence and Children.

Firearms Responsibility in the Home

Obtain a Safety Kit Cable Style Gun Lock

Take a course in Home Firearm Safety

Never stop learning, never stop asking questions, and never stop looking for solutions that honor the memories of the fallen.